So I arrive at work at 9.25am ready for a 9.30 start. I've made a real effort to look smart. I've even done understated/glamorous make up.
The car park is packed so I park (illegally) at the end of a row, snugly tucking in beside a mini cooper. I have just enough room to get out of the car, and open the back door. On my back seat I have my laptop in my backpack and my handbag. Unknown to me, my handbag is leaning against the back door so as I open the back door my handbag falls out and dumps the entire contents on the floor, mainly under my car.
I pick up my bag and say 'oh dash the contents of ones bag seem to have fallen under ones vehicle' or words to that effect.
I consider moving the car so I can bend down and pick them up however the contents are scattered under both wheels so I'm going to drive over my stuff.
THE STUFF I'M GOING TO DRIVE OVER
- My phone
- My precious bottle of pepsi max
- My toothbrush
- My mirror
- My 'pucka pad'
- My marvellous 'false lash' mascara
- My dirty slut lipstick
- My vaseline
- My sandwiches
- Both my 'red or dead' glasses and my 'jasper conran glasses' (worn dependant on mood)
I stand adjacent to both boots, drop to my hands and knees and crawl between the cars. The only way I can get the things out from under the car is to lie flat on my front and make 'trawling' motions under my car.
It's surely now past 9.30am and here I am laid on my front in the car park.
(I need to point out that this isn't one of those beautifully paved car parks. This car park is dirty and oily and basically the last place you want to be laid on a monday morning)
I do a quick inventory and realise I only have half of the things I dropped. I'm still missing my phone which is obviously the most important thing. I have a little think and realise the only way I'm going to get the phone back is to back myself in, feet under the mini, then lay down full stretch and edge myself forward. So that's what I do...
At this point I'm under the mini up to my knees, and under my car up to my neck. It would just be my luck if the mini owner returned and reversed over my legs or if a car thief with a fancy for a car that looked similar to a skip pinched my car and reversed over my head.
I'm so entertained by this thought that I lay on the ground face down and laugh. Bear in mind:
a) This is my first day back
b) Ten minutes ago I was beautifully turned out
c) I'm now essentially laid in a car park trapped under two stationary cars
Then it happens! I manage to grab my sandwiches and my phone, with the same hand..The notepad is also within reach of my other hand. Now any normal person would realise that driving over a notepad wouldn't do it too much damage.
What I do, is point my toes and edge myself forwards further under my car (on the upside should someone choose to steal my car now they will only crush my spine and not my head).
I reach the pad and drag it towards me. I now have most of the treasured possessions so I can go into work. Which sadly isn't that easy. Standing up isn't an option. I'm really not in a position to do so! What I need to do is somehow turn myself round so I'm laid between the two cars. I try it and its fairly successful. I try to ignore the gravel burns on my face and continue turning.
Banging my head on the wheel puts me off. I'm panicking now and consider calling 999, however I'm not sure if I need the police, an ambulance, the fire brigade or all three. I lay under the cars for a bit longer and have a rethink. I try wriggling again and low and behold I manage to end up between both cars.
Triumphant I stand up. (Whacking my head of the mini's wing mirror as I do so - a minor problem at this stage). I pick up my belongings, put them back in my bag, pick up my laptop bag and head into the office.
For some unknown reason I seem to have wiped from my mind the 25 minutes I have spent laid on my front in a car park under a car and I confidently saunter into the office. I'm looking forward to seeing my colleagues and I expect they'll be pleased to see me.
As soon as my boss sees me she grabs me (lovingly) and takes me to the ladies. She sympathetically asks me how I am. I tell her I am smashing. Then she asks me the killer question.
'Since you've been poorly have you lost the motivation to take care of your personal hygeine'
At that point I spot myself in the mirror. I'm smeared with oil,gravel, and mud, all that is visible are the whites of my eyes.
I'm delighted I went for a dignified return...................